Like much of the world, I spent a good portion of the winter Olympics watching hundreds of athletes from all over the world doing things that I could do if I just had strength, speed, agility, grace and an unquenchable desire to leave the couch for anything other than more snack food.

With a total of 280 hours of Olympic programming this year, it’s hard to imagine any sport that could’ve been overlooked. For those of you with a weak heart (or who are simply tired of standing) I suggest you sit down before this next revelation, which is that, in spite of heavy lobbying, there still was no Unicycle Hockey, Gale-Force Kayaking or Elephant Polo among this year’s Olympic competitions.

Because we didn’t see any of these events during year’s Olympic coverage, I thought I would take the opportunity to introduce them to the handful of readers who might not be familiar these sports.

We’ll begin with unicycle hockey, which actually has its roots in Germany — where they drink A LOT of beer. Though no one knows for sure how the sport got started, everyone agrees that beer was a crucial element. The rules of the game, and what constitutes a “foul,” are pretty much the same as regular hockey — except that, in this version, plunging your hockey stick into the spokes of your opponent’s unicycle is considered “a foul.” Scoring is also very similar to regular hockey; players move the puck in an effort to get it past the bartender.

Needless to say, Budweiser has signed on to be a premier sponsor should this event ever make it into the Olympics.

If you’re sporting interest is geared toward individual events, it doesn’t get any more exciting than gale-force kayaking, which is exactly what it sounds like: someone in a kayak during a hurricane. To do this requires a special kayak, something that was first developed by lifeguards in Australia as a tool for rescuing people caught in the surf. Naturally, the next step in this evolutionary process was for people to begin using these kayaks as a tool for getting caught in the surf during hurricanes and, therefore, need rescuing.

Last year alone, a total of 12 gale-force kayakers died — a number that the health department says is “entirely too high.” Especially when you consider nine of those deaths occurred out of the water, while driving to the beach during hurricanes.

This brings us to my personal favorite, elephant polo. To compete, you must have a mallet ($73), a polo ball ($22), and an elephant (priceless). The game takes place over two 10-minute periods called “chukkers,” which is exactly what you’ll feel like doing after 20 minutes of elephant riding.

The game begins with the referee tossing the ball between two opposing elephants who are positioned within a small circle.

(Note: The game ends if the referee doesn’t leave the circle in time.)

Keep in mind that it is a foul if your elephant lays down in front of the goal in order to block it from opponents. It is also a foul if your elephant picks up the ball with his trunk.

The same goes for picking-up, or laying-down on, any officials.

Finally, if after two “chukkers” the game is tied, the next round will be sudden death.

Because this is a family-oriented newspaper, I can’t get into the details here. But I will tell you that a gale-force kayak won’t do you much good.

You can write to Ned Hickson at [email protected], or c/o Siuslaw News, 148 Maple St., Florence, Ore. 97439